you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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