I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Randomize
