Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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