I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
