He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
