I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
