If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I can feel your judgement through the phone
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Who put my cat in the fridge?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
