i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
