I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
