I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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