thus making me awesome and them whores
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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