The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
