Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Your dad touched me again.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
