weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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