And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
