i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You need a sexual gate keeper
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
