if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
