Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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