I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
