Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
