i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
