I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
