i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
