Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
