It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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