He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
