Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
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