i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
