A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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