Bea Arthur died! :(
Big bird passed.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.