True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
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Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
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I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.