youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.