Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
We need a shit load of segways right now
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
