Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Randomize
