I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
