I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize