no, he came in my armpit
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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