Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
