I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
