just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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