The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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