I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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