this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
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I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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