just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
