I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
