I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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