I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
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My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
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Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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