Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
