Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
