please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
