if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
