There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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