Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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