nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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