I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
