I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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