I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
