Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
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