apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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