There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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