don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
