1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
